Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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