I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
