my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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