Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
