So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
