What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
