Ambien. No doubt about it.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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