i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
