I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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