Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
