I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
