my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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