I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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