I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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