You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
