I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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