sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She's not a foreskin expert like you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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