girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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