Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
