I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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