I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
