He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
