Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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