I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
