i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
