if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
