The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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