I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
