My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
