Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
