Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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