Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
