I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
