WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
