please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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