I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just had sex on a roof
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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