I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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