On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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