It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
