just tell him i said nine months
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
