Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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