Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
