if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
