Where did you get a picture of my penis
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
