dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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