The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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