i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize