My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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