My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
