My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
