That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
