My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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