An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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