You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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