I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
