she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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