The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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