i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
