Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
