i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
