Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
