I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
